In a couple of hours I will pick up my pre-school friends and we will run into the sunshine to laugh, dance, chase, and probably make cookies. Since I was in high school, with only a short break during college, I have been involved in some sort of childcare, from teaching drama with Dallas Children’s Theatre to nannying to being a pre-kindergarten teacher at a private preschool. Knowing God has called me to full-time vocational ministry, though, I am leaving those days behind and I know my life will never be the same.
The truth is, I’m terrified. I’m rocking back and forth on my balance ball creating Pinterest pins of reading lists to encourage women to dig deeper and fill themselves up with truth and I’m wondering, who am I? When did I become capable of using a Mac to make “pins”???
My hands are practically shaking, we have four weeks left before summer officially starts, four weeks before I am no longer gainfully employed. There are people who would love for me to get back into teaching pre-school and I know there are families looking for someone to watch and care for their kids. That work is guaranteed. What am I doing trying to act, write, and teach women instead of children? What right do I have and what kind of crazy leap of faith is this to spend hours weekly studying the Bible, reading theology, apologetics, learning Romanian for a mission trip we cannot yet afford, begin rudimentary studies in biblical Greek, write novels no literary agent is yet interested in (feel free to pray for that!), editing Bible study challenges no one has officially signed up for, restructuring acting exercises so that I can play them with my children and still be ready to perform… I was not the best actress in my graduating class or the best writer… Every career I have tried to launch in these areas has fallen pretty flat; but still, here I am, two years into pursuing what God has told me to do, knowing not only might I fail, but I probably will. I must be nuts!
Take a good look, friends, at who you were when you got called into this life. I don’t see many of “the brightest and the best” among you, not many influential, not many from high-society families. Isn’t it obvious that God deliberately chose men and women that the culture overlooks and exploits and abuses, chose these “nobodies” to expose the hollow pretensions of the “somebodies”? That makes it quite clear that none of you can get by with blowing your own horn before God. Everything that we have—right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start—comes from God by way of Jesus Christ. That’s why we have the saying, “If you’re going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God.” 1 Corinthians 1:26-31 MSG
So, my kids are watching my husband and I as we launch our ministry, they are seeing how our paychecks will not provide for our needs, and yet, our needs and often our wants are being provided for. This week alone God has used His people to give us a (new to us) 2 box springs and a mattress, nutritious groceries, eagles and lighthouse decorations to encourage my husband in excellence, baby-sitters so we can celebrate our anniversary, promise of beautiful plants to add to our garden, my ministry leader partners who are helping me maintain balance with my eating disorder, and a logo for our ministry! That is not including the rain we have prayed for or the healing God is giving me through His creation and the friends who came and prayed during my horrible day.
Am I nuts? Yes. Am I foolish? Definitely in the eyes of the world, and even in the eyes of a great many Christians, I imagine. But haven’t I been foolish all along? I am following the God-Man who gave up the glory of heaven and allowed Himself to be debased on my behalf to live in the squalor and filth of this fallen earth. He did it to save me from my sins, He did it to break me from my crooked ways and then mend me straight and whole in Him alone. If He asks me to live my life unknown, unpaid, unpublished, and unseen, I pray I will still praise Him. God sees my heart, He knows whether I am promoting me or Him, I pray He will purify me so that I will promote only Him. I will trust Him to provide for our needs as I pursue His kingdom’s best, though it may not come with a paycheck. His blessings make my cup overflow, even on days that seem terrifying. I will let go of my desire to hold tight today, and I’ll probably have to do it again tomorrow.
What is God asking you to do that seems foolish in the eyes of the world?
For further meditation:
1 Corinthians 1