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I found this while walking, a beautiful yellow rose in an abandoned yard, my mother's favorite flower.  His comfort and goodness overwhelm me!

I found this while walking, a beautiful yellow rose in an abandoned yard, my mother’s favorite flower. His comfort and goodness overwhelm me!

Had I known or been able to calculate what yesterday’s posting would cost me, I would have remained in bed, hiding from the truth and hiding from sharing it with others.  I calmly went to the keyboard, typed out a painful tribute to the grief I am being carried through, thanked the One who has carried me, asked for prayers from dear friends, and pushed “Publish.”

I have often warned people that when you take a stand for Christ, when you let others know that you are standing with Him, there is a cost.  I try to remind my third and fourth graders every Wednesday that following Christ is (and they now repeat it with me, praise God!, with conviction) the hardest thing you can ever do, but it is also the best.  I try to encourage the women I teach that the life we are called to is not one of the idealized American dream of perfect yards, smudge-free children, and two-car garages, but one of sacrifices, open eyes perceiving opportunities to give and share and love.

And yet, I still pushed “Publish” and immediately the war in my head and heart erupted.  Lies hissed in my mind and I couldn’t seem to accomplish anything as waves of grief threatened to drown me.  Truth, I needed truth!  I looked for it more deeply in my Bible, prayed for wisdom, but my thoughts were less sequential than usual (is that possible for such an abstract person?) and I felt impotent, fearful, and faithless.

But God sent friends to pray, to counsel, to guide me.  My husband called almost immediately and cared for me though he is out of state, a dear friend and mentor came over and prayed over me.  Another friend stopped by with hugs and offers of help.  Friends texted with offers of prayer and help, and I continued to breathe as a migraine descended, as a sleepless night continued, I clung to the Bible, and though I woke in pain, I woke knowing God is on His throne and beginning to recognize and see the lies that I let snare my feet and trip me up.

Today, I offer hope.  I cannot truly give it away, but I can share and it is multiplied when shared. My God is a great big God and He is not through with me.  he is not through with you!

My foot steps forward

My eyes blink bright

I crawl out  from beneath the pain

and race forward before I think again

craving

craving movement

craving

craving beauty

and the green-drenched earth springs forth blooms

Sprays of color unfurling shyly

then brilliantly

As rams with curled horns saunter away

and I push forward over rocky paths

See

See?

His beauty all around

Hear

Hear?

The Lord is near

He can be found

Though she cannot share this moment

I think of those she did share

The hill we ran down like kids in chase

The fabric pinned together as we laughed and sewed

She was my best friend

My mommie

The one who listened close

She never didn’t have time

She heard my heart when it was

silent

I push forward

these feet want to stick

But He is near

the God she held so dear

And will hold Him tightly

although she is gone

“she is gone,”

whispers sorrow

as tears drip off my face

“she is gone!”

shouts anger

I cannot fill her place

But I push forward

over sticky steps of quicksand emotions

His healing lies in pastures

thick with spring-dew glory

birds chirping, building, teaching

New life, new life

Perhaps not what I might have

chosen for myself

But I will not plant the bitter seeds

I will not water the pain

I will let Him prune me

and I will grow again

I saw her do it

and I will follow Him.

This pin is full of the evidence I am seeing as I walk and heal.  You can find more on our Pinterest page at VeritasWomen.

This pin is full of the evidence I am seeing as I walk and heal. You can find more on our Pinterest page at VeritasWomen.

For further meditation:

Isaiah 61 – Christ came to set us free and heal us!  Luke 4

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