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It started with a gnawing fear that nibbled and chewed at my hopes and dreams. A chant inside me became a rushing torrent, a roaring cacophony that I attempted to hide behind gritted teeth and a freshly pasted smile.
“Is this really how you see yourself?” My best friend gazed at me, perceptive eyes piercing through the masking lie.
“Why can’t you see how worthwhile you are?” Another precious friend pleaded, tears breaking through the dam of her lower lids.
I shook my head at both if them, how could they understand? I wasn’t good enough, not yet. I needed to work a bit harder, strive more, they simply couldn’t see the decay of filth inside me. I was trying to purge it, be the wife, mother, friend God desired of me, but I was failing, falling, failing…
My husband fought to break through and continued pointing out break-throughs we were having with our children. As I studied through Romans, I pounded my way through chapters 7 and 8. The familiar words began to chisel away at my self-condemnation. My Savior kept whispering love songs to me. I studied with an intense fervency the stories of Sarah, Rebekah, and Hannah alongside Ephesians, Colossians, and 1 Peter.
Freedom lighted gently on my shoulders like a dove as the Holy Spirit breathed new life into me. I have failed, and will continue to outside the grace of God. The question becomes, have I been relying on the all-sufficient grace of God? It is all-sufficient, everything I need, everything my family needs. With clarity, I tremble as I think The Lord has been using me, with all my deficiencies, to bring glory to His name. The glory is His.
Nearly complete, just lacking a few footnotes, some proofing, and a cover and title page, a six-week study is ready and waiting to breathe truth into other women. I pray we can learn together that God is ready to make us more than we could think or fathom, that He can accomplish His good will through us. It astounds me that He loves me so fully and uses me.