Not a single silent spot, no rest for ears overloaded by volume, no peace for eyes overstimulated. Am I adding to the noise, am I adding to the chaos? I’ve struggled with this question over the last couple of weeks and allowed myself to barely blog. I’ve checked twitter, blogs, books, Facebook, and come to the conclusion that there is indeed nothing new under the sun, and that my words might do more harm if they are just piling on more and more like a Victorian author paid by the word. Am I writing just to send my thoughts out, or do I have something that needs to be said? Like Ecclesiastes, I know everything here on this earth will pass away, only what is done for God will last.
And so I record what might be meaningless if not for His perspective. I confess my own frustrations with the greatest job I will ever have, being a wife and mother. At times, I dance through my days, sing with the stars, find glory in the mundane, beauty in the grime. And then, I get sick or the children are crabby or I’m just thinking mean thoughts because I selfishly want someone to take care of me. Each temper tantrum is a trial to endure, each unexpected difficulty feels like a catastrophe. And I confess, I want to be alone, all by myself, have a day, a weekend with no errands or whining, no expectations …
Somewhere far away I hear these treacherous thoughts, I was once alone in a tiny apartment typing away profound thoughts that made little sense. I was lonely at times, but waiting in prayer for whatever came next. I think of younger me, sitting on my futon and tapping on my keyboard, imagining one day becoming the wife and mother I knew God wanted me to be. So much hope then to combat the frustration now, if I only allow God to use it to encourage me as I scrub another toilet and fold another basket of laundry … This is the ministry I was called to and it comes with germs and sticky fingers, rumpled beds and last minute schedule changes. Date nights are hard to come by and silence is nonexistent, but if I close my ears I’ll miss God’s voice, if I shut my eyes, I’ll miss His vision. I don’t want to miss anything.
For further meditation: Ecclesiastes